Stop Enabling

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"BUT IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT..."

What is enabling and what harm does it do?

"Enabling is a process whereby well-meaning parents unwittingly allow and even encourage irresponsible and self-destructive behavior in their children by shielding them from the consequences of their actions."
David Wilmes, "Parenting for Prevention"

Enabling may be:
Overlooking a child's bad behavior thinking "they'll grow out of it" or "I'm too busy to worry about it."

Making excuses to school principals, teachers or counselors to keep a child out of trouble - like saying she was sick when she really refused to go or skipped school.

Doing chores that are assigned to the child and are clearly his responsibility.

Giving the child the benefit of the doubt even when your instincts tell you something's not right.

Giving in to keep the peace and keeping secrets about the child's unacceptable behavior.

Discounting an instinct or feeling, thinking "I may be making something out of nothing."

Avoiding confrontation because you don't want to hurt the child's self esteem or make her unhappy.

Denying a strong suspicion that your child may be cheating, stealing, lying, engaging in activities contrary to your family values, or using drugs or alcohol to avoid conflict.

Making it a policy not to talk about the possibility of any alcohol or other drug problem in your family.

Enabling may also mean believing:
      a child does certain things because there is too much pressure on kids today
      every kid is doing it (whatever "it" may be)
      because I love my kids I must always trust them
      I am just one parent, they won't listen
      there's nothing I can do
      this is just normal kid stuff, everyone does this when they're growing up
      other parents are allowing this, so it's OK
      talking to and organizing with other parents won't help

Enabling can cripple children by preventing them from learning from their experiences. When parents stop enabling their children - even though it is difficult for both - they allow their children to become a strong, confident and responsible adult. It is never too early - nor too late - to stop enabling.