November 2009
Aim for Total Clarity When Setting Expectations for Your Preteen
Let the Power of Positive Peer Pressure Work for Your Preteen
Use
Empathy, Advice to Teach Your Preteen Self-Control
Show
Your Child How to Act Respectfully by Earning Respect
A Word From the Director
When your
child was small, you used clear, concrete language to convey your
expectations. Why? You wanted to make sure she could understand and
comprehend.
Now your
child is older, but clear expectations are still the way to go. With a
preteen or young teen, anything less gives her too much "wiggle room." At
this age, do not give your child an out. She just might take it. Instead:
 Speak in terms of what you want and the
expectations you have. Telling your child what she must do may not work.
In the end you cannot control her behavior. You can only control yours. "I
expect you to complete your homework before you leave the house," is more
effective than, "You'd better do your homework now."
Encourage your child to be clear about
her own expectations. If she says she expects an A on the next test, have
her tell you exactly how she plans to get there. Writing down the plan is
even better.
Discuss teachers'
expectations. "When Mrs. Jones tells you on Friday that you have a test on
Monday, what does she expect?" If you get a blank look in return, supply
the answer for your child. "She expects you to start reviewing the
material right away so that you will be prepared on Monday."
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You've
heard the horror stories: Peer pressure is dangerous. It causes
otherwise good kids to do bad things.
While
it's true that negative peer pressure can lead to trouble, there's such a
thing as positive peer pressure, too. Unlike its negative counterpart,
positive peer pressure may encourage kids to:
J
Work hard
(or harder) in school.
J
Try a new
sport or other healthful activity.
J
Develop a
good attitude about school or themselves.
J
Behave
more respectfully toward teachers and other adults.
One way
to help your preteen enjoy the benefits of positive peer pressure is to
nudge him toward honest, decent friends. You can't choose his friends, but
you can influence the sorts of kids he selects if you:
Talk about what makes a good friend.
"Would a friend put you in a dangerous situation? Would he enjoy seeing
you get in trouble?"
Reinforce your values. "A real friend
stands up for you when someone else tries to force you to do something. He
wants you to do the right--not the wrong--thing."
As great
as positive peer pressure is, don't rely on it constantly. Whether it's
joining the drama club or trying out for wrestling, your preteen's reasons
for pursuing something should go beyond "because all my friends are doing
it."
Does your
preteen "lose it" when he gets upset? It's time to work on his
self-control. Teaching your preteen to control himself when he's angry or
frustrated will help him grow into a conscientious, mature adult.
The next
time your preteen blows a fuse:
ž
Define the problem. "You're upset about having so many projects due at
once."
ž
Empathize. "It's a lot of work. I'd feel overwhelmed, too."
ž
Give instructions. "Take a few deep breaths and sit down."
ž
Stay calm. He won't stop yelling if you start yelling.
ž
Talk about it. Once your preteen's anger has blown over, talk about how he
could use self-control to better handle his emotions next time.
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Your
child has reached the age where she can see through phoniness. If you say
one thing and do another, the bad consequences will come in threes. First,
she'll do what you do, not what you say. Second, she'll lose respect for
you. Third, she won't know how to act in a respectful way, affecting home
life, school life and the rest of her life.
So live
by these values and it's likely your child will too:
Be honest. Tell the truth. Admit
mistakes--don't blame others for them. Apologize (yes, to your child, too)
when you are wrong.
Be consistent. When you make a rule,
stick to it. That applies to rules you make for your child and those you
make for yourself.
Be selfless. You're a
parent--therefore, your child's needs come first. (Take note that the word
is needs, not wants.) Your child is not a parent and so cannot completely
emulate you here. But your example shows her how to be considerate of
others.
Show dignity. Convey to your child
that no one can make you feel small unless you allow it. Ugly words hurt.
And so does being disrespected. Instead of stooping to someone else's
level, tell your preteen to rise above it.
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The articles
highlighted in this month’s newsletter are the blueprints for a lifelong
building project. As I scanned the titles of each article it occurred to
me that teaching our children how to keep promises, honor commitments, be
a team player and set expectation were really the skills necessary to
build a successful life. Helen Gahagan Douglas defines this “building
project” in this way. “Character is not inherited. One builds it daily by
the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, actions by action.” The
building blocks of character we teach our children give them the skill set
necessary to achieve success in life. As a parent we want to provide the
best possible build tools for our children. Take time to talk with your
child about character and success, listen to your child’s definition. What
character traits do they value? Franklin Roosevelt framed it this way,
”We cannot always build the future for our youth but we can build our
youth for the future.” Take time to talk about these building blocks with
your child. Enjoy your discussion and the information on our site. Thank
you for being a part of our PCN family.
Darcy
Jensen and the PCN Board.
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