December 2009
Build Self-Esteem With
Love, Discipline
Understanding Preteen Brains Helps You Respond to Your Child
Parents Questions & Answers
Turn Your Middle Schooler into a Responsible, Independent Person
A Word From the Director
Self-esteem has been talked about
so much that it has almost gotten a bad name. But this quality is
important for all of us - we all need to feel that we have value and that
we are competent, capable individuals.
Experts agree that parents can build self-esteem in their children with a
two-pronged approach:
First, never put boundaries on your love for your child.
Second, always put boundaries on what your child may do.
For the first:
û
Make it clear that you love
your child as she is.
û
Spend time with her and enjoy her
company.
û
Encourage your child and take
interest in her activities.
û
Respect your child.
For the second:
û
Be clear about family rules,
including consequences.
û
Be consistent when enforcing rules.
û
Stand firm. Do not back down because
your child gets angry.
Back to Top
Parenting a middle schooler in
today's times can be a challenge. Your preteen acts like he knows
everything, and at times he seems so grown up.
The important word is "seems." It doesn't matter how "cool" your child
acts - it will be years before he thinks like an adult. Keep in mind that:
Emotional thinking usually wins out over
rational thinking at this age. That's why middle schoolers
may lash out if they think they've been "dissed." Your child is not ready
to stop and think: "I'd better cool it, because I might get in trouble."
He responds with emotion only.
Have your child practice instant responses, such as shaking his head and
walking away. Counting to 10 before blowing his top can work, too. And
don't take angry comments your child may make to you personally.
Your child lives in the moment.
He doesn't grasp that his semester grade may drop if he doesn't study
tonight for his test. To him, the end of the semester is light-years away.
What he does tonight can't possibly affect the end of the semester.
Don't force your middle schooler to make a connection he is not ready to
make. Instead, set firm rules about studying and stick to them.
Q:
We're heading into the holidays, but my eighth grader isn't exactly
gung-ho about all the looming "family time." I really want to spend time
with her. Should I make her join us for all of our holiday activities?
A:
It's tempting to insist that your middle schooler join you for everything,
but resist the urge. It's important to respect the fact that your child is
growing up. So try to be flexible. Rather than demand that your child
spend every moment with the family this holiday season:
Prioritize. If there's a big event everyone must attend, so be
it. Let your child know you understand she wants to spend time with her
friends. But skipping Thanksgiving at Grandma's isn't an option. On the
other hand, must she participate in your annual holiday-shopping marathon?
Embrace
new traditions. Accept that some "little kid" activities may
need to be retired now that your child is older. But rather than abandon
them completely, tweak them. For instance, did she used to love decorating
the table with leaves and pinecones? Now that she's older and more
capable, give her a hot-glue gun and let her craft an autumn display.
Don't get
upset. Try not to take it personally when your child balks at
holiday activities. It's all part of growing up. And remember: She may
roll her eyes at these things now. But, chances are, she'll enjoy them
with her own kids someday!
Back
to Top
Your preteen's ever-shifting
behavior may make you downright dizzy sometimes. One day, he's mature and
dependable. But the next? He's fussing about the house rules like a cranky
preschooler. Welcome to adolescence!
These next few years are all about
change and growth. And while it would be nice to wave your magic wand and
turn your preteen into the independent, responsible adult he'll hopefully
grow to be, it doesn't work that way. Like nearly everything else related
to parenting, it's a process.
You can turn your preteen into a
responsible young person if you:
Insist he pitch in with younger siblings. How about having him handle his
little brother's bedtime story tonight?
Give him meaningful chores. Don't assign busywork. Look for tasks that
matter.
Let him run his own errands. Who says you're the only one capable of
picking out a poster board for that upcoming school project?
Allow him to get a part-time job. Pet sitting or mowing lawns are great
ways for preteens to earn money and develop a good work ethic. As long as
he keeps his grades up, consider letting him go for it.
Rely on him when you need help. Why clean the gutters or change the oil in
the car by yourself? There's a talented preteen nearby!
Back
to Top
The holiday season
is just around the corner, often bringing family time and keeping with
“tradition”. At times our children may be reluctant to give up time with
friends or just hanging out to join in family time. Before the holiday
season is in full swing, sit down together and talk about your family
schedule for the holidays, giving everyone a chance to express their
feelings and concerns. As a family, make a holiday plan giving
consideration to everyone’s wishes. Explaining ahead of time the
importance of a special tradition may change how children view it.
This month I have highlighted articles that take a look at discipline,
love and parenting. Three simple words, but each one has the power to
change a life. Remember the power of love as you plan your holiday
schedule - it can make a difference.
Holiday wishes for memories that will last a lifetime. As always call the
PCN office if you have any questions or are in need of a resource. Enjoy
your family time during the holiday season.
Darcy
Jensen and the PCN Board.
Back to
Top
| 