January 2010
Know How to Talk
With Your Child About School
Understanding Middle Schoolers' Need for Best Friends
Parents Questions & Answers
Encourage Your
Child to Develop Good Judgment
A Word From the Director
As a parent, it is
both your right and your responsibility to know how your child is doing at
school. But trying to get this information from your child can be, as the
old saying goes, "like pulling teeth."
With a little
information and preparation, you can have an actual conversation about
school with your child. Here's how:
Stop drilling
your child about homework. Not only does your child dislike it, but it
contributes to a negative attitude about homework. Let your child use the
first 20 minutes at home to settle in and have a snack. Save your
(gently-worded) homework questions for after that.
Be specific. If
your child can answer you with one word, she will. Example: "How was
school today?" "Fine." Instead, say something like: "I know you worked
hard preparing for those essay questions on your history test. How did you
answer the first one?"
Encourage your
child to advocate for herself. If your child is having trouble, your first
thought may be to tell her not to worry--you'll call or email the teacher.
But you're not the one who is struggling--your child is. So instead, say
"Let's brainstorm some ways for you to approach Ms. Johnson about getting
extra help in English class."
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Parents are
sometimes surprised by the strength of middle school friendships. A middle
schooler's focus may seem to shift away from his family. He may even want
to bring his best friend with him to family gatherings. Parents may feel
as if they are somehow being replaced.
Rest assured
you're not. Your child's bond with his best friend is not happening
because he doesn't love his family. It's happening because, now more than
ever, he needs someone who is going through the same kinds of things he is
going through. Best friends talk about physical changes, the opposite sex
and how their peers view them, among other things. Knowing that a friend
has similar concerns helps your child feel "normal."
So be as
understanding as possible about your child's friendship. Make your child's
friend feel welcome. It will mean the world to your child. It will also
help him develop into a more secure and confident person.
Q:
My seventh grader relies on me way too much when it comes to school. She
expects me to remind her about assignments, gather supplies for her and
tell her when it's time to study. How can I stop being her personal
assistant and help her take more responsibility for her learning?
A:
Middle school is as much about growing up--and becoming more
responsible--as it is about academics, so it's important that your child
learn to rely more on herself and less on you. Here's how to help her do
it:
Talk to your child. Say, "I appreciate
that you want my help with school stuff, but you're leaning on me too
much. We need to start shifting the responsibility off me and onto you."
Devise a plan. Find ways for your
child to be accountable for her assignments. "Instead of me reminding you
to do your homework, let's set aside the hour before dinner for work time.
When five o'clock rolls around, it's up to you to head to your desk."
Give your child the tools she needs.
Make sure your child has a calendar or planner where she can keep track of
assignments. Stock up on school supplies, too.
Stand back. Give your arrangement time
to work. Your child may stumble--or forget an assignment or two--as she
gets used to her new role, but resist the urge to swoop in and rescue her.
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When you trust
your child, you have faith that she will "do the right thing" most of the
time. The first step toward this is knowing what the "right thing" is.
This process is judgment, and it develops over time.
Here are two
ways to guide your child toward good judgment:
 Give your child increasing amounts of
responsibility for school routines. Start with a basic habit, such as
bedtime. She knows what time she needs to get up for school. Tell her you
will let her judge for herself a reasonable hour to get to bed. If this
goes well, allow her to exercise judgment over another area of her life.
If it doesn't go well, ask her what she has learned from the experience
(for example, she feels like falling asleep in her first class). Work out
a new plan with her, and try again.
Discuss situations in advance. What
would she do if friends who had been drinking wanted her to get into a car
they were driving? Your child probably knows not to get into the car, but
kids often get flustered when presented with tough situations for the
first time. Practicing with you will help her call upon her judgment
skills and make a good decision.
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The glitter of the
holidays is now a memory and we are starting a new year. The possibilities
and dreams of a new year can be seen as exciting or challenging for
everyone in the family. Teaching our children to make good decisions can
be a skill that leads to success. The role models our children have will
likely influence their decision-making in the journey of life. This quote
from Charles Barkley reminds all of us who are the true roles model. “I
don’t believe professional athletics should be role models. I believe
parent should be role models.” Are you a role model for your child? At
times life may be so busy we forget the most important role we have that
of being a parent to our children.
This month I
have highlighted articles that take a look at decision-making, using good
judgment and honesty. Developing these skills can equip our children
with tools that build character and prepare them for the future. As we
start a new year remember to take time to be together as a family. The
very act of scheduling family time is an example of good decision-making
and a way to role model our family values for our children. As always call
the PCN office if any have questions or are in need of a resource.
Enjoy your family time during this new year.
Darcy Jensen and
the PCN Board
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