April 2008
Really Listen to Your Middle Schooler, Even If You Disagree
Teach Your
Child Life Skills to Build Responsibility
Help Your Preteen Consider Test Mistakes a Learning Experience
The Three “R”s of Consequences
A Word From the Director
Really Listen to Your Middle Schooler, Even If You Disagree
Sure, you can hear
what your middle schooler is saying. But are you really listening to her?
Well, she wishes you would. Not only is listening a sign of respect, it’ll
also make your child feel that you care about what she’s saying. To show
your middle schooler that you’re paying attention to her, try to be an
active listener:
è
Ask questions
about the things she’s saying. “Really? What happened next?”
è
Be sure you’re
hearing her correctly. “What I think you’re saying is…”
Also, keep reminding yourself that “listening to” isn’t the same as
“agreeing with.” In fact, you may completely disagree with what’s coming
out of your child’s mouth, but you can show courtesy if you:
 Hear her out and don’t cut
her off.
Restate what you heard and
have her confirm whether you heard her correctly.
Tell her that you listened
to her point; however, you still don’t agree with her.
Be prepared for your middle schooler to get upset if you disagree with
her. That’s just part of life with a preteen. But know, too, that you’re
doing the right thing by paying attention to what she’s saying.
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Teach Your
Child Life Skills to Build Responsibility
Learning life skills will give your middle schooler
a sense of mastery and teach him to take responsibility for himself. Let
your child practice these skills now, so that he will be a pro by the time
he’s on his own.
Teach your preteen to:
Prepare a basic meal. He can handle simple cooking tasks such as
boiling a pot of pasta, making a hamburger or preparing a salad.
Do laundry. Teach your child how to wash, dry, fold and put away his
own clothes.
Use the telephone. Wait—you’re thinking—he’s great at that! No, not
just to chat with his friends. He should know how to call and make
appointments, schedule a repair person or make a reservation at a
restaurant.
Stay on a budget. Consider giving your child an allowance, along with
a list of items and services he needs to purchase himself. Don’t bail him
out if he runs out of money—this is how he will learn to budget.
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Help Your Preteen Consider Test Mistakes a Learning
Experience
Your child probably knows that a
test is an assessment of what she has learned. But does she know that a
test is also a way to learn? Unless your child is perfect, each test
should be a learning experience for her.
Your middle schooler will learn
the most from tests if she:
þ
Jots down thoughts about the test as
soon as possible after taking it. What did she struggle with? What does
she think she knew best?
þ
Keeps the test when the teacher hands
it back! Some teachers require students to correct their tests. If her
teacher doesn’t, she can correct it herself at home. She can use it as a
study guide for midterms or finals.
þ
Figures out what kinds of mistakes
she made. Were they careless errors? That is a warning to pay closer
attention when marking answers. Were they errors representing a lack of
knowledge? She can come up with ways to study more effectively next time,
by taking notes from the textbook or making a study guide.
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The Three “R”s
of Consequences
The preteen years
are full of conflict and growing pains - plus lots of good stuff, too - so
maintaining firm, consistent discipline can be especially tough. Although
there’s no “one perfect way” to discipline, there are ways to make sure
your approach is logical and fair. Ask yourself whether the consequences
you dole out are:
Reasonable. Do you treat your child fairly when he misbehaves, or
do you blow a fuse and make empty threats? If you say he’s “never going to
watch TV again” because he messed up, you’re being unrealistic.
Consequences must make sense in order to be effective.
Respectful. When you make a dig at your preteen while disciplining him
(“If you weren’t so lazy, I wouldn’t have to yell at you!”) you’re being
hurtful. Instead, focus on the misbehavior and its consequences. Don’t
hurl insults.
Related. When your child gets in trouble, be sure the consequence
relates to the crime. If he refuses to put his dirty clothes in the
hamper, the consequence could be that you don’t do his laundry. Following
these “Three R’s” should help you discipline your preteen more
effectively.
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This month I have often overheard parents talking about the “joys” of
parenting. The struggle to get their sleepy daughter out of bed, the trip
to school to take books that had been forgotten and just this morning I
was telling my son, “If you do not leave now you will be late for school.”
The look on my son’s face indicated he felt he had plenty of time and I
was over reacting. As I reflected on parenting the article written years
ago by Erma Bombeck came flooding back to me. Read and enjoy.
I Loved You Enough:
To ask you about where you were going, with whom and what time you
will get home.
To insist that you buy a bike with your own money that we could have
afforded to give you.
To be silent and let you discover your handpicked friend was a creep.
To make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to the drug store and
confess that you stole it.
To stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, which was a
job that would have taken me fifteen minutes.
To let you see anger, disappointment, disgust and tears in my eyes.
To admit I was wrong and ask for your forgiveness.
To let you stumble, fall and get hurt.
To let you assume responsibility for your actions at six, ten and sixteen.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say “no” when you hated me for it
and that was the hardest part of all.
Darcy Jensen and the PCN Board
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