February 2010
Setting Clear Expectations is
Key
Parent
Quiz: Do You Understand Effective Consequences?
Parents Questions & Answers
Expect Your
Child to Remain Part of the Family
A Word From the Director
Don't make your
middle schooler guess what you expect from him. Spell it out! When it
comes to setting expectations for your middle schooler:
Be precise. "Clean the basement" might
mean totally different things to you and your middle schooler, so make
your instructions clear. "Please put your video games away, bring your
dirty plate upstairs and vacuum the rug."
Give a time frame. Attach a very
specific time frame to chores. "I need you to empty the dishwasher within
the next 15 minutes." It may help avoid foot-dragging on your middle
schooler's part.
Get his input. Your preteen isn't a
little kid anymore, so don't treat him like one. Whenever possible, let
him put in his two cents when it comes to the house rules. For instance,
has he been insisting that he's old enough for a later bedtime? He may be
right.
Trust him. Respect your middle schooler
by assuming he'll do what he's told. (In other words, don't hover as he
works.) If he falls short again and again, you may need to supervise more
closely. But if he does well? Honor him with some breathing room.
Offer praise. Is your middle schooler
doing a great job following the rules and pitching in? Let him know!
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Disciplining
your child involves establishing consequences for broken rules. Are your
conse-quences effective and appropriate? Answer yes or no to the questions
below to find out:
___1. Do
you use natural consequences when possible? Example: Your child leaves her
shoes outside, again. It rains and they are ruined. She must earn the
money to buy new ones herself.
___2. Do
you use logical consequences when natural consequences don't apply?
Example: Your child breaks curfew on Friday night. She must stay in the
next night.
___3. Do
you make consequences meaningful? Consequence should involve something
your child cares about.
___4. Do
you stay in the present when setting consequences? Don't drag up past
mistakes or predict mistakes your child will make in the future.
How well
are you doing?
Mostly yes
answers mean you are setting suitable consequences. For no answers, try
those ideas.
Q:
My eighth grader gets stressed about everything, from homework to
snowstorms! How can I help her better manage her anxiety and learn how to
just go with the flow"?
A:
Middle school is full of big changes, so it makes sense that your child
gets worked up sometimes. Still, if the stress itself--rather than
whatever set it off--is becoming too much, it's time to talk her back from
the ledge.
To help your
child better manage her everyday stress:
Teach her to recognize the warning signs.
Does your child start twirling her hair or biting her nails when she gets
anxious? Have her pay attention to those warning signs. Stress is much
more manageable when it's caught early.
Help her develop an action plan. If your
child is having fits over an upcoming project, show her how to break it
into small parts. A big task is daunting, but a series of smaller ones may
not be.
Encourage healthy habits. A good diet and
adequate sleep can go a long way toward easing anxiety.
Find ways for her to blow off steam.
Exercise, reading or chatting with a friend may be all your child needs to
calm down.
Remind her that you have her back. Your
stressed-out child may feel like the weight of the world is on her
shoulders. So let her know you're right there with her and will help her
overcome her stress and be successful.
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Middle school is
often the age of the closed door. Your once-affectionate child wants to be
alone much of the time.
This behavior
reflects that your child is growing up and becoming a separate person. You
should respect it, but at the same time never let your child lose sight of
the fact that he is part of a family. Privacy is fine, but total
separation from the family is not. Consider these guidelines:
þ
Insist your child spend most of his
time at home. Two evenings a week is plenty of time with friends.
þ
Keep TVs and computers in
family areas. Having one in his bedroom gives your child more reason to
separate himself.
þ
Grant your child leeway when
it comes to family activities. Allow him to sometimes opt out, but make it
clear there are other times when he will have to come along.
þ
Consider letting your child
bring a friend to spend time with your family. Discuss this in advance so
he knows that this is an occasional treat.
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The past weeks
have been very busy at work and I seemed to be getting buried with
paperwork and demands on my time. It is when this happens I find
myself less patient with others; often preoccupied with what needs to
happen next rather than focusing on what I am doing and why. When
life’s pressures get too great we may miss the best solutions because we
do not see beyond the situation before us. Adults are not the
only ones who feel the pressures of life. Our children, too, may
feel these pressures and look for ways to reduce the pressure. Substance
use may seem like a solution for reducing the stress and taking the
pressures off. At least, that is what students may believe when they first
start using a substance because it does create a distraction and a way to
forget the stress for the moment. As parents, we need to know the
signs of use and be prepared to talk with our children. We need to
be role models for our children how we deal with the pressures of life.
I encourage you to visit our PCN and Prairie View websites for parenting
tips and information on how to recognize the signs of substance use.
There are substance abuse/prevention counselors in our schools who are
available to talk about any concerns or questions you may have regarding
substance use. Please check out these resources. Our goal is
to be a helpful resource for you and your family. The PCN board knows
parenting is an important job and our hope is to provide you with all the
tools you need to be successful.
Darcy Jensen and
the PCN Board
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