January, 2008

Are You Teaching Your Child to Handle Anger?
Be Specific & Clear When Setting Limits
Questions & Answers
A Word From the Director

Are You Teaching Your Child to Handle Anger?

It started as a simple disagreement. She wanted to stay up later. You said “no.” Then she got mad and yelled. You yelled back. Pretty soon, you were both out of control. Sound familiar? Anger is a normal emotion. But left uncontrolled, it can destroy the relationship between parents and kids. Are you letting anger spiral out of control? Answer yes or no to each statement below.

___1. I’ve talked with my child about how to handle anger. I encourage her to use methods like exercise and talking it out.

___2. I know my child takes cues from me, so I try to model positive ways of handling anger.

___3. My child knows that in our family, physical violence is never acceptable.

___4. I take a time-out if I am very angry. If my child is very angry, I may give her a time-out.

___5. I try to listen more than I talk, especially when I am upset.

How well are you doing? Each yes means you are doing a good job of keeping anger under control. For no answers, try those ideas from the quiz.

Be Specific & Clear When Setting Limits

It isn’t always easy to discipline your preteen or get him to follow the rules. After all, it’s normal for him to test your limits and angle for more freedom. Still, your preteen cares very much what you think of him and he wants to please you (even if he doesn’t always act like it). But in order to behave properly, he needs to know what you expect. To be sure he does:

Spell it out. Never assume your preteen knows what’s allowed. Tell him exactly what you expect. “You must be inside by eight o’clock on school nights. No exceptions.”

Explain why you have the rules you do. You don’t need to justify your rules, but help him understand them. “You can’t watch TV all night because it cuts into homework and family time.”

Get his input. If you’re planning to modify a rule, let your preteen add his two cents. “We’re considering moving your curfew back a bit. What time do you think is reasonable?” You may not follow his suggestion, but hear him out.

Back off. Once your preteen has a good understanding of the house rules, don’t nag him about them. Instead, trust that he’ll obey them. If he doesn’t, be sure to enforce reasonable consequences.

Questions & Answers

Q: My eighth-grade daughter and I used to be really close, but now everything I do seems to set her off. All I hear these days is, “Leave me alone!” How can I stay involved in her life?

A: Welcome to life with a budding teenager! Mother-daughter relationships are always complex, but it’s especially true as your daughter reaches the teenage years. This certainly makes it difficult to stay involved with what’s going on at school and in her life. She will likely be embarrassed to see you at the school. And she may avoid talking with you about her problems. The important thing is to remain involved. There’s no magic to navigating this tricky time, but there are ways to stay sane as you move through it. You can:

Expect some turmoil. Your daughter will be irritated by some of what you say or do - no matter how you say or do it - so just accept it.

Remind yourself that it’s about love. Your daughter likely reacts to you so intensely because she loves you so intensely. If she didn’t care about you or our opinions, why would she bother reacting at all? This won’t make her anger easier to take, but it may shed some light on it.

See things from your child’s perspective. Your attempts at a comforting hug may be her “proof that Mom thinks I’m still a baby.” So keep this in mind the next time you ask yourself, “Why is she getting angry at me?”

Greetings from PCN

Another year is upon us and as we start using our new calendars, we have a chance to clean the slate and set our priorities for the New Year. Sometimes we get into a rut and believe we need to do something a certain way because it has always been done “that way”. The New Year gives us permission to make changes and take a look at the things we have made priorities. As a family, talk about goals and what is important to each family member. Have your family sit down and decide what activities are important to the family. Giving everyone a voice brings your family together and allows for planning. I recently found some old lists from our family’s activities and goal setting. It was fun to look back at what we wanted to do and then reminisce about the things we did and accomplished that year. Remember: it is not how much we do that counts, it is whom we are with at the time. Take time to enjoy your family and start the New Year fresh. As always call the PCN office if any have questions or are in need of a resource. Enjoy your family time.

Darcy Jensen and the PCN Board

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