January 2010
Really Listen When
You Ask About School
Parent
Questions & Answers
Help Your Teen Make the Right Decision in a Difficult Moment
Create an Educational ‘Trust Fund' for Your High Schooler
A Word From the Director
A strong
relationship with your teen begins with good communication. Yet many
teens hesitate to bring problems or concerns to their parents. When
teens do decide to talk to their parents, parents often respond one of
two ways--they either over-listen or under-listen.
When you:
Over-listen, you're paying
attention - to your own reactions. Before your teen even gets the
whole problem out of his mouth, you're jumping to the rescue with
solutions and ideas. Or you're questioning every bit of his story
without letting him finish.
Under-listen, you're discounting
what your teen has to say. Instead of your undivided attention, your
teen is getting the bit of your attention left over after you pay the
bills, set the table and start to cook dinner.
After a while, your teen is likely to stop offering information. Or he
may start picking fights, claiming you "never listen" and "don't
really know him at all."
Either way,
you're not really listening to your teen. If you're an over-listener,
take a step back. Let your teen finish a story. You may find out that
he wasn't asking for advice after all - he was telling you about how
he solved a problem on his own.
If you're an
under-listener, take a step forward. All those other tasks can wait
five minutes while you focus on your teen. And the five minutes you
spent with your teen will show him that you think he's important and
you care about his opinions.
Q:
My daughter's worrying has me worried. Before every test, she's sure
she will fail. As a result, she does worse than she would if she could
relax. She worries about being popular. So she goes overboard. On her
last group project, she did the work of four people. She is a good
student and a nice kid. How can I help her worry a little less?
A:
The teen years can be tough. But your teen is making things harder
than they need to be. Because she's always worrying about the future,
she's not able to enjoy the present.
Here's how
you can help:
 Help your teen develop a sense of
proportion. For example, not everything has to be perfect. There are
times when "good enough" really is just that.
Set some limits on how your teen
studies. Tell her that getting a good night's sleep will lead to a
better test score than cramming all night. Then set--and enforce--a
curfew.
Help your teen avoid taking on too
much responsibility the next time a group project rolls around. Agree
to play the "heavy" so she can say, "My mom says I have to help her
this weekend. Sorry--I can't do that part of the project."
Pay close attention. While your teen
is learning to handle her anxiety, you need to be aware of another
potential danger. Anxious teens sometimes "self-medicate" with alcohol
or marijuana. So be on the alert for signs that she is using drugs or
alcohol.
Sometimes,
it's easy to "do the right thing." If everyone is driving safely down
a road, there's less temptation for someone to speed.
But there
are other, harder times when it's not so easy to do the right thing.
The teacher leaves the room for just a second during a test. Does your
teen text the answer to a question to his friend across the room?
It's those
hard times when it's even more important for your teen to be prepared
to do the right thing. Sometimes, these may seem like small choices.
Should he get up when the alarm clock beeps or roll over and miss
first period? But even these choices have very big consequences. If he
misses class today, it will be that much harder to catch up tomorrow.
Talk with
your teen about these "hard moments." Let him know that everyone has
to make choices. Often, by taking the choice that seems harder at the
time (getting up and going to school), he will actually have an easier
time in the future.
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There are a
few lucky parents who can set up a financial trust fund for their
children. But any parent can create an educational "trust fund."
Your
"deposits" are the ways you build up your teen's confidence and
motivation. They give your teen the tools to do the work necessary for
school success.
What are the
elements of an educational "trust fund"? Your teen needs the
motivation that comes from:
ê
Knowing you have confidence in
her. Perhaps the most important message you can give your teen is
this: "No matter what, I will never give up on you."
ê
Answering the question, "Why do
we have to learn this anyway?" Give your teen a chance to see how the
things she learns in school will be useful later in life. Let her
visit with someone in a job she would like to prepare for. When she
sees that science and math classes open the door to many careers, she
may be more willing to stick with them.
ê
Asking for
help. Studies show that asking for help is the first step in
overcoming barriers to learning. So encourage your teen to ask her
teacher for help when she doesn't understand.
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The
glitter of the holidays is now a memory and we are starting a new
year. The possibilities and dreams of a new year can be seen as
exciting or challenging for everyone in the family. Teaching our
children to make good decisions can be a skill that leads to success.
The role models our children have will likely influence their
decision-making in the journey of life. This quote from Charles
Barkley reminds all of us who are the true roles model. “I don’t
believe professional athletics should be role models. I believe parent
should be role models.” Are you a role model for your child? At times
life may be so busy we forget the most important role we have that of
being a parent to our children.
This month I
have highlighted articles that take a look at decision-making, using
good judgment and honesty. Developing these skills can equip our
children with tools that build character and prepare them for the
future. As we start a new year remember to take time to be together as
a family. The very act of scheduling family time is an example of good
decision-making and a way to role model our family values for our
children. As always call the PCN office if any have questions or are
in need of a resource. Enjoy your family time during this new year.
Darcy Jensen and the PCN Board
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