Avoid Empty Praise to
Raise a Responsible, Confident Child

We all know that kids need to feel confident about themselves so they can take on challenges. But sometimes, efforts to boost kids' self-esteem can go too far. That's what college professors and bosses are saying these days.

Many bosses say that their young workers don't have the skills to be successful on the job. After a few weeks, they expect to be promoted. When they're asked to do the tasks for which they were hired, they balk.

In college, some students fall apart when professors criticize their work.

There's no question that kids need self-esteem to grow into healthy adults. But self-esteem that matters grows out of doing this well. Empty praise does more harm than good.

In fact, Sam Goldstein, a researcher at the University of Utah, says that too many kids are like bubbles. "They seem happy. But if they face even a little trouble, they burst."

It is important for you to praise your child. But save it for times when you can deliver it sincerely.

Research Reveals Discipline That Really Works

Think about how your parents raised you. What discipline methods did they use? In a study, even if parents didn't agree with how they were disciplined as children, many used these same approaches themselves.

For example, adults who were yelled at as kids were more likely to yell as parents--even if they thought yelling didn't work, according to the research.

In order to discipline well, consider what you believe will work. Experts say certain methods are most effective. For example:

Acknowledge good behavior. What are the most important behaviors for your child to learn? When you see them, take notice. Say, "It's nice that you invited the new girl to sit with you at lunch. I bet that made her feel good."

Use natural and logical consequences. When your child does something inappropriate, choose a natural or logical response, if possible. A natural consequence of forgetting homework is getting a zero. A logical consequence of losing an item is having your child replace it.

Plan ahead. Talk with your child about discipline. Why is it helpful? How does it work? After considering her ideas, list basic rules and consequences. Then follow through with consistency, fairness and respect.

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Encourage Your Child to be Less of a Boss,
More of a Team Player

There's a lot to be said for encouraging children to show leadership. But, let's face it--some kids are just plain bossy. They won't take turns. They won't share. They won't listen to what anyone says.

If you have a child who has appointed himself the Boss of the World, here are some ways to help him learn how to be a team player:

þ Make taking turns the way you run your house.

þ Use the "Mom Rule." If one child cuts the cake, the other gets to choose the first piece. If one child chooses the game, the other gets the first turn.

þ Teach fair ways to decide. Have your kids play "rock, paper, scissors" to see who gets on the computer first. Flip a coin to decide who takes the first bath.

þ Reinforce sharing behavior when you see it.

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Get Your Child to Open Up, Talk About Feelings

From the minute the door opens, you know something is wrong. But when you ask your child what happened at school, she says, "Oh, nothing" and heads to her room.

What can you do to get your child to open up and talk about what is bothering her? Here are a few techniques to try:

Reflect what you see. "You seem sad today. Anything happen at school?"

Try to avoid being judgmental. Don't say things like, "You can't really feel bad about a silly thing like that."

Help label your child's feelings. "That must have made you pretty disappointed."

Let your child know you understand her feelings. "I can imagine how crummy you felt when Madison said that." Share an experience of your own. It can be good for your child to know that you have had similar experiences. "Did I ever tell you about the time my best friend in school stopped speaking to me for a week?"

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Greetings from PCN

The articles highlighted in this month’s newsletter are the blueprints for a lifelong building project. As I scanned the titles of each article it occurred to me that teaching our children how to keep promises, honor commitments, be a team player and set expectation were really the skills necessary to build a successful life. Helen Gahagan Douglas defines this “building project” in this way. “Character is not inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, actions by action.” The building blocks of character we teach our children give them the skill set necessary to achieve success in life. As a parent we want to provide the best possible build tools for our children. Take time to talk with your child about character and success, listen to your child’s definition. What character traits do they value? Franklin Roosevelt framed it this way, ”We cannot always build the future for our youth but we can build our youth for the future.” Take time to talk about these building blocks with your child. Enjoy your discussion and the information on our site. Thank you for being a part of our PCN family.

Darcy Jensen and the PCN Board.