When Your Child is a Bully’s
Target
Unless your kid comes home with bruises
or torn clothes, you might not be sure he is a victim of a bully.
Many youngsters, especially as they get older, will be embarrassed or
ashamed of getting harassed. They may feel they did something to
provoke an attack, and older kids often think they need to handle these
situations on their own. The best way to know what’s going on in
your child’s life is to be involved. Create a daily routine in which you
and your child chat casually about the day. Take the time to listen, ask
questions, and respond.
According to the
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA)
report Take Action Against
Bullying, there are many
warning signs that may show a child is being bullied.
Signs to watch
for include a child:
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Acting depressed
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Withdrawing socially
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Complaining frequently of illnesses
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Not wanting to go to school, avoiding
certain classes or talking about dropping a course
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Bringing home damaged possessions
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Reporting things “lost”
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Feeling picked on or persecuted
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Displaying mood swings, including
frequent crying
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Talking about running away
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Attempting to take protection to
school, such as a stick, rock, or knife
There are some
steps you need to take for your child’s protection.
If your child is a victim of bullying at school, inform school officials
immediately. Keep your own written records of the names, dates, times, and
circumstances of bullying incidents. Submit a copy of this report to the
school principal.
Take e-mail and Web page threats seriously and consider reporting them
to school officials or police authorities.
Encourage your child to talk about the bullying and listen in a loving
manner
Tell your child that he or she isn't to blame for being bullied. Don't
assume that your child did something to provoke or aggravate a school
bully. A bully often picks on someone for no reason at all.
Support your child's feelings. Instead of dismissing their concerns or
simply saying that it'll work out eventually, express understanding and
concern.
Ask your child if he or she has ideas about how to stop the bullying.
Don't encourage retaliation against a bully.
Talk to people at school, including teachers and principals. Work together
to find real solutions now. Don't contact the bully's parents yourself.
Let the school handle that potentially sensitive situation.
If your child
has been physically attacked or is threatened with harm, talk to school
officials immediately to help determine if police should be involved.
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Who are the Bullies?
It can be
shocking and upsetting to learn that your child has gotten in trouble for
picking on others or has been labeled a bully. If you receive word
from the school or other concerned adults, it may be tempting to downplay
its importance or dismiss the report as an over-reaction. As
difficult as it may be to process this news, it's important to deal with
it right away. Whether the bullying is physical or verbal, if it's not
stopped it can lead to more aggressive antisocial behavior and interfere
with your child's success in school and ability to form and sustain
friendships.
Kids bully for many reasons. Some bully because they feel insecure.
Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker provides a
feeling of being more important, popular, or in control. In other
cases, kids bully because they simply don't know that it's unacceptable to
pick on kids who are different because of size, looks, race, or religion.
Bullies will
typically have one or more of the following traits. They may:
þ
Be quick to blame others and
unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions
þ
Lack empathy, compassion, and
understanding for others’ feelings
þ
Be bullied themselves
þ
Have immature social and
interpersonal skills
þ
Want to be in control
þ
Be frustrated and anxious
þ
Come from families where parents or
siblings bully
þ
Find themselves trying to fit in with
a peer group that encourages bullying
þ
Have parents who are unable to set
limits, are inconsistent with discipline, do not provide supervision, or
do not take an interest in their child’s life.
If you see these
traits in your child, you may want to look into the issue. If you
notice behavior at home and wonder if it is bullying, it probably is!
But if your child is bullying, take heart. There’s a lot you can do to
help correct the problem. Remember, bullying is a learned behavior and it
can be “unlearned.”
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Heading Off Bully
Behavior in Your Child
When it comes to bullying,
what’s a parent to do?
When looking for the
influences on your child's behavior, look first at what's happening at
home. Kids who live with yelling, name-calling, putdowns, harsh criticism,
or physical anger from a sibling or parent/caregiver may act that out in
other settings.
It's natural - and common - for kids to fight with their siblings at home.
And unless there's a risk of physical violence it's wise not to get
involved. But monitor the name-calling and any physical altercations and
be sure to talk to each child regularly about what's acceptable and what's
not.
It's important to keep your own behavior in check too. Watch how you talk
to your kids, and how you react to your own strong emotions when they're
around. There will be situations that warrant discipline and constructive
criticism. But take care not to let that slip into name-calling and
accusations. If you're not pleased with your child's behavior, stress that
it's the behavior that you'd like your child to change, and you have
confidence that he or she can do it.
Every child
needs to learn the importance of treating others with respect. Let
your children know what’s okay and what’s not. Make sure they
understand that it’s not right to take advantage of or hurt someone just
because they feel they can.
Let them know that
bullying is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences at
home and school if it continues. At the same time, try to understand the
reasons behind the behavior. In some cases, kids bully because they have
trouble managing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity.
In other cases, kids haven't learned cooperative ways to work out
conflicts and understand differences.
Be
sure to:
Take bullying
seriously.
Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate bullying at home
or anywhere else. Establish rules about bullying and stick to them. If
your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings or others, put a stop
to it. Teach more appropriate (and nonviolent) ways to react, like walking
away.
Teach kids to treat
others with respect and kindness.
Teach your child that it is wrong to ridicule differences (i.e., race,
religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status) and try to
instill a sense of empathy for those who are different. Consider getting
involved together in a community group where your child can interact with
kids who are different.
Learn about your
child's social life.
Look for insight into the factors that may be influencing your child's
behavior in the school environment or wherever the bullying is going on.
Talk with parents of your child's friends and peers, teachers, guidance
counselors, and the school principal. Do other kids bully? What about your
child's friends? What kinds of pressures do the kids face at school?
Encourage good
behavior.
Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative discipline.
Catch your kids being good - and when they handle situations in ways that
are constructive or positive, take notice and praise them for it.
Set a good example.
Think carefully about how you talk around your kids and how you handle
conflict and problems. If you behave aggressively toward or in front of
your kids chances are they'll follow your example. Instead, point out
positives in others, rather than negatives. And when conflicts arise in
your own life, be open about the frustrations you have and how you cope
with your feelings.
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SAMHSA’s Center
for Mental Health Services:
Bullying Is Not a Fact of Life
Take Time To Talk About Bullying
Take
Action Against Bullying,
SAMSHA Family Guide:
Bullying Affects All Middle School Kids
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services:
Bullying
Among Children & Youth
Stop Bullying Now!
Science Daily
School Bullying Affects Majority Of Elementary Students
Bullying in Middle School May Lead to Increased Substance Abuse in High
School
Kids Health, 2007.
What Kids Say About Bullying
Parent-Teacher Association Our Children Magazine,
Understanding Bullying
The Mayo Clinic:
Help Your Child Handle a School Bully
Military Child:
Helping Your Child Deal with Bullying
Pacer Center
Kids Against Bullying
National Middle School Association – Middle School Journal:
Bullying in Middle School: Prevention and Intervention
American Psychological Association:
Bullying is Not Limited to Unpopular Loners
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